I love this Doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard
that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good
for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make
you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your
car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
* * *
Q: Should I cut down
on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp
logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what
are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable).. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.
* * *
Q: Should I reduce my
alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is
made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the
water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that
way.. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
* * *
Q: How can I
calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body
and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies,
your ratio is two to one, etc.
* * *
Q: What are some of
the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single
one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
* * *
Q: Aren't fried foods
bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!
.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're
permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
* * *
Q: Will sit-ups help
prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you
exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if
you want a bigger stomach.
* * *
Q: Is chocolate bad
for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO
Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
* * *
Q: Is swimming good
for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for
your figure, explain whales to me.
* * *
Q: Is getting
in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
* * *
Well, I hope this has
cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a
journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an
attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND......
For those of you who watch
what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a
relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
studies.
1. The Japanese eat very
little fat
and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot
of fat
and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very
little red wine
and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
4.. The Italians drink a
lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot
of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you
like.
Speaking English is
apparently what kills you