Paddy was driving down the
street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a
parking place.
Looking up to heaven he
said,
"Lord take pity on me. If
you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the
rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking
place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and
said, "Never mind, I found one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father Murphy walks into a
pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go
to heaven?"
The man said, "I do
Father."
The priest said, "Then
stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the
second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was
the man's reply. "Then stand over there against
the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked
up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?
O'Tool said, "No, I don't
Father.
The priest said, "I don't
believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to
go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I
die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
O'Toole worked in the
lumber yard for twenty years and all that time
he'd been stealing the wood
and selling it. At last his conscience began
to bother him and he went
to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years
since my last confession, and I've been stealing
wood from the lumber yard
all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says
the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if
you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Paddy was in New York. He
was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic
cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and
shouted, "Okay
pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several
times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted
"Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, "Is
it not about time ye let the Catholics
across?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Gallagher opened the
morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
the obituary column that he
had died. He quickly phoned his best friend
Finney..
"Did you see the paper?"
asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied
Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An Irish priest is driving
down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's
breath and then sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you
been drinking?"
"Just water," says the
priest.
The trooper says, "Then why
do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the
bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done the miracle
again!"
***********************************
An Irishman arrived at
J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming
down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already
homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman
"I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
“The cork fell out!" said
the Irishman.
************************************
"The Brothel"
Two Irishmen were sitting
at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They
saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter
the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see
that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic
priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a
terrible pity... one of the girls must be dying.
*************************************
Irish Cemetery
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean
and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found
themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..
"Come have a look over
here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul.
He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says
Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95
when he died."!
Just then, Seamus yells
out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks
Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a
bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone
marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin ."
***************************************
Irish Predicament
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From
the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few
times to get his attention but Ole just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds
three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't
no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
***************************************
Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to
Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've
got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary,
that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did,
Father..."
The priest says, "What did
he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please
Mary, put down that gun!'"