1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's

going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,

lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I

noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.!!

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on

an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

"Big breaths," I instructed.

"Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a

wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more

than five minutes later, I overheard her reporting to the rest of the

family that he had died of a massive internal fart.

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment

with me (his cardiologist), he informed me that he was having trouble

with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked.

"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one

every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!"

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I

wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the

; instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I

asked, "How long have you been bedridden?"

With a look of complete confusion, she answered, "Why,

not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR

6.. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning.

While checking up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning"'

"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I just can't seem to get

used to the taste," the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled

KY Jelly.

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young

woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety

of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing entered. It was quick determined that

the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table,

the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green. And above it

there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short

note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow

the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was

quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my

embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The

middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out

laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly

said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.'"

Dr. wouldn't submit his name