September 5

Have decided that Summer is seriously over-rated (unless you own a top-notch villa in the South of France and have a Swedish au-pair on red alert 24/7).

After eight weeks, two days and three hours alone with Katie and Jack, I am practically a shadow of my former self. Well, not a shadow of my former self exactly. In cruel twist of cosmic irony, I have actually put on six pounds due to excessive strawberry Cornetto consumption, but I am definitely suffering from that serious celebrity affliction - mental exhaustion. In fact, feel very strongly that I may need to check myself into the Priory at any minute.

Luckily, Katie goes back to playschool (and to bona fide childcare professionals who actually know what they are doing) tomorrow. I will now have lots of vital bonding time alone with Jack (crucial for second children so that they don’t grow up to be axe wielding mass murderers who slay all their co-workers in one foul swoop). Will also have lots of free time to pursue fulfilling hobbies, like Pilates (how hard can it be to move so slowly?) or knitting (hot new celebrity past-time).

Vow to resist temptation to devour Heat in one sitting, even if I am dying to read all about Britney and Kevin. (Definitely real love match and not fake and tawdry publicity stunt as reported by small-minded journalists).

Also vow to spend endless carefree hours (well, at least an hour and a half while Jack is napping) doing quality, life-affirming things to reclaim my spirit a Ia Oprah Winfrey. Will not resort to dawdling round shops in the Centre to fill in the time, like last year.

List of things to do to Reclaim Spirit and Find True Inner Self
- Resist temptation to lounge in new Starbucks in the Centre, drinking caramel lattes and eating muffins. Engage in productive, soul-enhancing activity instead. (Productive, soul-enhancing activity TBA)
- Resist temptation to trail round shops, buying unsuitable clothes I cannot afford. Engage in productive soul-enhancing activity instead. (See above.)
- Ditto shoe shopping
- Start reading quality literary fiction recommended in Sunday Times instead of Heat to improve intellect
- Read Trinny and Susannah’s What Not to Wear to focus on positive body image. Try not to be scared by pictures of them glaring out of pages at well-washed trakkie bottoms and greasy hair.
- Read Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue to reconnect with Joe on a spiritual and sexual level. (Absolutely crucial to recapture romance ASAP - Joe has been picking his nose in front of me quite a lot lately. Who knows what lies ahead.)
- Investigate life-enhancing volunteer opportunities (something with elderly/poor/sick)
- Try to lose interest in Posh and Becks
- Ditto Britney and Kevin
- Accept, once and for all, that am no longer important public relations assistant (with direct responsibility for ad hoc administrative duties) but stay at home mother and honest to goodness housewife.
- Try to remember that being a stay at home mother and housewife is a noble profession and not a thankless job.

September 6

Very draining day. May well need a bit of celebrity cupping a Ia Gwyneth in order to cope.

Joe’s mother rang at the crack of dawn.

"I’m just in the door from 6 o’clock Mass,” she wheezed (rather alarmingly). “Poor Father John needs all the support he can get after all those scurrilous rumors about him.”

Quickly decided the crack of dawn was way too early to hear sordid tales of fallen priests and loose women so I kept quiet.

“Anyway, I’m just calling to wish Katie luck dear,” she continued, sounding a bit put out I hadn’t begged her for juicy details, “Has she had her breakfast yet? A bowl of porridge would be just the trick - I always gave it to my Joe when he was going to school."

Made fatal error of admitting that
a) We were actually all still in bed. Yes, even at 6.45am
b) Katie wouldn’t touch porridge even if Barbie personally endorsed it and it came in a neon pink box; and
c) Joe now prefers Coco Pops

“Not up yet?” she shrieked in alarm, "You’d want to get a move on Susie, the day will be half over. You don’t want the child late for her first day back?"

The thought of it sent her into a fit of panicked wheezing. Took opportunity to stumble into Katie’s room and thrust the phone at her head.

“Your Granny wants to speak to you,” I mumbled, trying to wipe the grit from my eyes. (NB must purchase lavender-dipped eye mask with soothing chamomile extracts advertised on Lifestyle TV ASAP)

Katie scowled and promptly burrowed back under her Dora the Explorer duvet.

“Not very excited is she dear?” Mrs. H. tutted as I stumbled back onto the landing and heard Jack screaming for his bottle. “I do hope she’s not going to find it difficult to settle back in. My Joe was so brave; he used to run in like a little trooper. Not even a backward glance. Katie is probably more like your side of the family."

Pretended Jack had fallen down the stairs so I could hang up.

Spent ages fiddling about making extra special toast with smiley faces made of sugar and honey (Celebrity Cooking Special, episode 3), to give Katie a proper send off in case she was feeling nervous. Getting the sugar / honey smile to look happy and not downright creepy very tricky, but persevered. Crucial to let Katie know that am here for her in case she has deep-seated issues of abandonment or rejection about the return to playschool. That sort of emotional scarring can take years of therapy (and quite possibly cupping) to get over.

Confided my fears to Joe as he gulped down his Coco Pops, while trying to do his tie at the same time.

“She’ll be fine Susie,” he mumbled, chocolate milk dripping down his chin. “She’s a tough little nut."

Was aghast that
a) Katie’s own father seems to have very little insight into her very sensitive character, and
b) He thinks his daughter is some sort of Lil’ Kim gangsta type

but was unable to pursue matter as conversation was cut short by bloodcurdling screams from upstairs.

Katie, on a mission to find the perfect back-to-school ensemble, had attacked Jack with Malibu Barbie for using her favorite pink t-shirt to wipe his snotty nose.

Had reassuring chat with Katie on way to school.

“It's OK if you feel a bit sad to be leaving Mummy and Jack,” I ventured, feeling a little wobbly. “You’ll soon get used to playschool again and remember that Mummy will pick you up at 12 o’clock OK?”

Caught her looking at me in the rear view mirror as if I needed special counseling and then she almost jumped from the car while it was still moving she was so anxious to get away. Am a bit concerned she seems so eager to get rid of me.